GUELPH – Through counting points, exercising and an astounding variety of vegetable-based pasta substitutes, Christine Newman finally lost her holiday weight just in time for the world to implode.
“Losing 4 pounds in 4 weeks is a big deal to me, but not compared to the multitude of international humanitarian crises,” professed Newman as she splurged with an almond flour cookie. “All the celebrating I was hoping to do is being overshadowed by executive orders, protests and how Trudeau looks while breaking promises.”
Newman told reporters about all the effort that went into losing those pounds, including 30 minutes of elliptical twice a day, endless smoothies, and lying awake between the hours of 10pm and 7am, dreaming of all the bread she could be eating. Tasks which she notes are extremely difficult to do when you’re watching the birth of the apocalypse.
“After scoring record highs on my fitbit during the Women’s March, I reached my goal weight,” Newman said, with a sense of pride and terror for what is to come. “I thought once I got in shape I would spend more time in bars and clubs, not cowering under my bed while CNN plays on mute.”
Newman insists she no longer wants to lose weight, but the stress is causing her to shed pounds at an alarming rate.
“At this rate I’m going to look like Kellyanne Conway as she pretends her boss isn’t persecuting people for their religion.”