TTC concerned as signal system begins upgrading itself
TORONTO – After a recent series of service delays, workers at the Toronto Transit Commission have reported that trackside signalling equipment has become self-aware and is now improving itself au…
Bob Dylan wins Nobel Prize in Literature for his contributions to high school seniors’ yearbook quotes
STOCKHOLM – The Swedish Academy today announced that American folk singer, Bob Dylan, would be the 2016 recipient of the Nobel Prize in Literature, owing to his contributions to high school yearb…
Sidelined Crosby returns to Tim Hortons drive-thru job
Cole Harbour, NS – Pittsburgh Penguins Captain Sidney Crosby has returned to work at a Nova Scotia Tim Hortons after a concussion put the two-time Stanley Cup winner out of regular season p…
Poohead keeps trying to change nickname
CALGARY – Reports indicate local man Jackson “Poohead” Hanover has been continually trying to change his nickname to anything but Poohead, despite reports stating he is the perfect Poohead.…
Auston Matthews retires as greatest Leaf in franchise history
OTTAWA – After a breakout rookie campaign, a successful sophomore season and an overtime winner in game 1 of the 2018/2019 NHL season Auston Matthews announced his retirement. Experts and p…
World’s oldest man says petty grievances keep him going
HALIFAX – The current oldest man in the world, Johnson P. Bartholomew, 112, claims the key to longevity is holding on to as many petty grievances as possible. “They say an apple a day keeps…
19-year-old finally gets into daycare after 19-year wait
London, ON – After waiting for almost two decades on a government waitlist, 19-year-old Chad Mendes is finally getting a subsidized daycare spot. The son of a single mother was placed on a …
Fuck-swing breaks day after warranty expires
BRANDON, MB – Despite assurances from the manufacturer that this would be “the last fuck-swing you’ll ever buy”, the SwayGasm Mk. IV purchased by Dave Lewis, 46, and Martha Lewis, 44, has b…
UPDATE: Waiter still grating Parmesan cheese
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Sources confirmed this evening that Vince Loberto, the 73-year-old chef and server of Loberto’s Family Pizza and Pasta, is still grating Parmesan cheese over local man T…
Canadian Association of Clowns say scary clowns no laughing matter
Haliburton, ON – The association representing the nation’s 50,000 clowns has condemned recent incidents of scary clowns in a fun-filled and mesmerizing press conference earlier today. Tumbl…
