Local man accidentally misses Oscars after not giving a shit
HALIFAX – This morning, local man, Robert Murray was shocked to discover he had mistakenly neglected to watch Hollywood’s biggest event last night because, fuck it. “Oh, I guess I did”, remarked …
Lonely Thomas Mulcair adopts 44 stray cats
OTTAWA – NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair has adopted yet another stray cat, bringing the total number of felines in his one-bedroom apartment in Ottawa to 44. Mulcair made the announcement on soc…
UPDATE: Academy releases complete list of revised Oscar winners
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Responding to last night’s now infamous Oscar Best Picture mix up, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has gone through their past records overnight and released…
Former teacher Trudeau sends heckling MP to Governor General’s office
OTTAWA – Drawing on past experience to maintain order in the House of Commons, Prime Minister Trudeau has sent a heckling MP to the Governor General’s office. “Okay, that’s strike three,” s…
Maxime Bernier’s leadership campaign sponsored by the legitimate businessman’s association of legitimate business
Today we continue with the Leadership Ads the Conservative Party hired us to make by looking at Maxime Bernier. A man who wants to reduce burdensome government regulations, like all those …
After reading The Catcher in the Rye, Pope uses speech to rail against “phonies”
THE HOLY SEE – Following the completion of a recent read-through of acclaimed coming of age novel The Catcher in the Rye, Pope Francis used a private Mass sermon to criticize people he saw as “ph…
Woman fondly recalls day in 2007 when glasses weren’t smudged
CALGARY – After wearily setting her fingerprint-laden glasses on the table in front of her, Mikayla Petersen sighed and remembered a point in time when she didn’t have to wipe her lenses do…
Ugh. This baby boomer thinks he knows more than millennials just because the Gods have cursed him with prophecy
REGINA – All you 20-something’s get ready to roll your eyes, because we’ve got another baby boomer here who thinks he knows everything. Regina man Gary Parker claims he understands the worl…
In effort to keep up with climate change, Canada Goose releases new line of fur-trimmed tank tops
TORONTO – After one of the warmest winters on record, the Canadian luxury parka manufacturer Canada Goose has pivoted into the burgeoning fur-lined tank top market. “Yes, climate change is …
Personals: “Single white supremacist seeks angry white voter for fascist ethno-state”
OTTAWA – In an attempt to her boost sagging poll numbers, and put an end to the relentless, crushing loneliness that haunts her every waking moment, Conservative leadership hopeful Kellie Leitch …
