WORLDWIDE – History’s voice was hoarse this morning and its tone increasingly impatient due to being pretty fucking sick of repeating itself. “Jesus Christ, we’ve ALREADY BEEN OVER THIS!!” said ...
Boss wondering politely if Jewish holidays over yet
CALGARY – Recent developments out of Calgary have suggested that your boss has once again begun the polite but sincere vocal inquiries as to whether the Jewish holidays are finally done and you will b...
To avoid politicizing tragedy, Republicans suggest debating gun control once America goes a week without a gun death
Luke and the Panel (Aisha Brown, Tim Rabnett and Aaron Hagey-MacKay) discuss the absurdity of the ‘don’t politicize this issue’ point after the tragedy in Las Vegas (2:30), why some ...
Renowned geneticist dismisses own earlier warnings about uprising of evil clones
BRUSSELS — Pre-eminent geneticist Dr. Javier Arantes stunned colleagues at the opening of the International Academy of Life Sciences (IALS) conference with a keynote speech celebrating the potential o...
Report: Julie Payette already bored
OTTAWA – Early reports indicate that Canada’s 29th Governor General Julie Payette is already bored of being the Queen’s representative in Canada. The former astronaut and engineer who was only f...
Method actor Jared Leto prepares for his role as Hugh Hefner by publishing nude photos of famous women without their consent
LOS ANGELES – In order to prepare for his role as Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, Jared Leto is taking method acting to a new plateau by publishing naked photos of female celebrities against their ...
Point/Counterpoint: “There are plenty of fish in the sea” VS. “Actually, there AREN’T plenty of fish in the sea”
POINT: There are plenty of fish in the sea By Crystal Benjamin, best friend Hey, listen, I know it hurts. Right now you feel like you might never love again. But the truth is, there are plenty of fish...
New iPhone comes pre-loaded with details of your family’s dark secrets
SILICON VALLEY – In a paradigm-changing announcement, Apple has confirmed that the new version of the iPhone will come already knowing everything there is to know about the unpleasant things you...
Question Period: New NDP leader delivers eloquent takedown directly into television set playing CPAC
TORONTO – Newly minted NDP leader Jagmeet Singh has demonstrated his passion and fervour by delivering a blistering question to his television screen that was featuring CPAC’s Question Period. T...
David Schwimmer reports OJ Simpson won’t leave his home or stop calling him Robert Kardashian
LOS ANGELES – After playing his deceased best friend Robert Kardashian on the hit television series American Crime Story, OJ Simpson, now released from a nine-year prison sentence, refuses to le...
