POINT: There are plenty of fish in the sea
By Crystal Benjamin, best friend
Hey, listen, I know it hurts. Right now you feel like you might never love again. But the truth is, there are plenty of fish in the sea! Cheer up! It won’t be long before you meet someone new and fall madly in love again! You’re a wonderful person and anyone would be lucky to be with you. Literally thousands of options out there for you. Don’t let this bad pass make you doubt yourself. You’re great! The heartache hurts, but it will go away. Eventually. I know you’ll be fine. Hang in there and give me a hug!
COUNTERPOINT: Actually, there AREN’T plenty of fish in the sea
By Dr. Daphne Theriault, Marine Biologist
Listen, I understand you wanted to talk about your breakup or something, but I really have to make sure you understand something very important: the oceans are depleted.
If that seems unrelated to your ordeal it’s because it is. This is urgent. And your love life means very little in the face of mass extinction. Get with it! After over-fishing, pollution and other man-made ecological disasters, we have bigger fish to fry. Damn it! Sorry for the expression. That’s a lie too! That’s part of the problem.
I mean, oil spills anyone? Anything from Exxon Valdez to Deep Water Horizon? Or how about Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster? Fertilizer contamination? Mercury in the food chain? Algae blooms? Dead zones? Whaling? Shark fin hunting? Did you know the ocean’s acidity levels keep rising, curbing coral growth and making waters rife with ungodly fucking jellyfish? That’s all there is going to be left in the sea if we don’t do something! Horrible, horrible jellyfish! That, and plastic. Literally tons of plastic dumped in everyday. Did you know there’s a plastic garbage zone the size of Texas swirling around in the Pacific like a oceanic shit blanket. We nearly fucking annihilated the Orange Roughy! That fish can live for 150 years! We’re playing god here, people! And we’re doing a really bad job of it.
Look, all I’m saying is your shit with your ex doesn’t matter. Not when we’ve managed to bring two thirds of the planet TO ITS KNEES. Maybe focus on that!? Can your ex singlehandedly bring Bluefin Tuna numbers back up?! NO!
Sorry. I don’t mean to yell. I’m a little stressed right now. Please, just sign this petition.