Police confirm driving while shame eating on the rise
TORONTO – After a citywide blitz by the Toronto Police, over one hundred people have received tickets for operating a vehicle while eating their emotions away. “Sadly it has become all too common…
Scientists discover new thing wrong with the female face
LOS ANGELES – In a press release this morning, the chemistry department at the University of California announced that they have discovered a completely new flaw in the female face. “The di…
Canadian playwrights scramble to find next American tragedy to make all about us
NEW YORK – In the wake of 7 Tony-nominations for the Newfoundland-set Come From Away, playwrights across Canada are hard at work on the next musical romp that capitalizes on an American dis…
Senate Republicans divided on Trump’s plan to kill us all
WASHINGTON, DC – Republicans remained divided Monday, as a vote neared on President Trump’s controversial proposal to kill everyone on earth. The proposed “Liquidation Of All Human Life Act…
QUIZ: You just ate processed cheese off the floor. Didn’t you used to be better than this?
Oh, boy. You went and did it. You just ate that slice of cheese that fell on the floor, didn’t you? You might be wondering what you should do next. Well, this is a great time to reflect on yourse…
Troubled state executed several small animals before moving on to people
ARKANSAS – Consultation of public records has revealed that several executed animals were found in areas near where the state of Arkansas would later go on to kill human beings. “Violence t…
Dating trends: Single Newfoundlanders bring family tree to blind dates to avoid dating cousins
CORNER BROOK, NL – In a trend that’s sweeping across Newfoundland and Labrador, more singles are bringing extensive layouts of their family trees to their first dates to avoid dating their …
Donald Trump Jr. killed in drive-by revenge shooting by elephants
Mar-A-Lago, FL – Tragedy struck the First Family today, when Donald Trump Jr. died of his injuries shortly after being riddled with bullets by a group of elephants in a Cadillac 4×4. “…
Senate expected to expel Don Meredith within the next 15-20 years
OTTAWA – After an ethics committee determined that Don Meredith is unfit to be a member of the Upper House due to his having sexual relations with a minor, the Senate has announced it will …
7 times Anna Kendrick was fierce AF about the softwood lumber tariff dispute
Oh Anna. Just when we thought we couldn’t love you anymore you show us what it means to be a Bawse Bitch with your statements on the financial dispute between Canada and America over the import/e…
