3 reasons I WASN’T “owned” when Johnny Cage splits-punched me in the genitals - The Beaverton

3 reasons I WASN’T “owned” when Johnny Cage splits-punched me in the genitals


By now I’m sure you’ve seen the video, and had a good laugh about how my confrontation with liberal celebrity Johnny Cage at the Mortal Kombat tournament ended with him dropping into the splits and punching me in my genitals. You’ve collected RTs and likes from your twitter echo chamber, joking about how I got ‘owned’ – not by facts or debate, but by a vulgar attack that left me flailing my arms arms and cupping my monstrous genitals as I stumbled around cross-eyed.

Well, here’s why I was actually NOT owned, thank you very much:

1. What about all the people who DIDN’T punch me in the genitals?
Why isn’t the media talking about the people I defeated WITHOUT having my genitals hit? There was an entire montage of people being beaten up BY ME, which was mysteriously absent in Buzzfeed’s coverage of how ‘owned’ I got. I guess it doesn’t ‘fit the narrative’ as well as a single context-free clip of my genitals being punched. But who has time for facts when ‘Monster breaks dude’s sunglasses, gets owned in the dick,’ right Worldstar?

2. I was still up for a bit after he did it
No one – especially on the sanctimonious left – should be cheering the fact that I was hit so hard in my genitals that I stumbled around going “Ohhhhh! DOOOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! OOOOOH!!” for half a minute while my boss yelled at me. But they also conveniently ignore the fact that I did recover, and still ran after Cage, right up until he tricked me into standing at the edge of a cliff and kicked me off the cliff. It’s called ‘bias,’ kids.

3. He splits-punched my genitals because he’s afraid of debate
We have a saying in Outworld: When you resort to acrobatically striking somebody’s genitals, you’ve lost the debate. If that’s how Cage chooses to engage someone, simply for their DIFFERING BELIEF that they will crush him and conquer his realm, I can’t help but wonder who the real giant monster is. If he’d only been allowed to respond with FACTS and LOGIC, I think the outcome of that meeting, and the current state of my genitals, would be VERY different.

I hope this helps you see the light of day, and if so, please consider donating to help me counter the narrative, and also research ways to use magic to fix my genitals. Because despite how it’s being hailed, this ’s so-called ‘victory’ was far from flawless.