The Beaverton Weekly Report: June 7, 2017

Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles some of the country’s best comedians and writers to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then he puts…

Unbelievable! This Mandarin buffet is letting me eat as many noodles as I want

This is crazy! I’ve been sitting at this Mandarin buffet by myself for 2 hours and no one stops me from getting up and helping myself to more plates of delicious noodles. Not small plates e…

Jealous Macron angrily refreshing Trudeau-Obama coverage every five seconds

PARIS — The so-called “bromance” between former US President Barack Obama and Canadian Justin Trudeau has once again captured the world’s imagination, according to French president Emmanuel Macro…

Quebec to ratify Charter if rest of Canada eats this grasshopper

QUEBEC CITY – After nearly 4 decades, the province of Quebec has vowed to finally ratify the 1982 Constitution Act, on the sole condition that the rest of the country eats this disgusting g…

The Beaverton renewed for season 2 after writers, cast pass brutal Canadian TV hazing rituals

TORONTO – Bell Media announced today that it has picked up satirical news sensation The Beaverton for another year after the show’s cast and crew successfully completed the demoralizing and…

Report: Not one goddamned pen works in this house

YOUR HOUSE – Early reports indicate that there is not a single, goddamned pen that works in this house. The revelation became apparent immediately after you needed to write something down t…

150 Canadians to celebrate on Canada’s sesquicentennial, except I could only think of 8

Canada’s 150th anniversary is just around the bend, and to celebrate, we’re shining the spotlight on 150 — count ‘em: 150! — noteworthy Canadians! It’s a huge number, but with a nation as great a…

Bernier furious over lack of regulation in Conservative voting process

OTTAWA – Failed Tory leadership candidate and avowed libertarian Maxime Bernier is reportedly furious that there wasn’t proper oversight and controls in place to ensure a fair voting proces…

The Beaverton Remembers: The Completion of The CN Tower

  Where were you when Toronto unveiled the ‘definitely not a penis’ CN Tower?…

“Why can’t you be more fun?” by your upstairs neighbour at 4am on a Tuesday

I am a super fun guy. Everyone says it. I go to a lot of parties and at every one there’s always, like, a girl or two who’s like, “Hey, I love your viking hat. You must be a super fun…