"I know exactly how to fix America" claims teenager who just watched Fight Club for the first time - The Beaverton

“I know exactly how to fix America” claims teenager who just watched Fight Club for the first time

COCHRANE, AB – Local teen Ryan Killicky claims that he has the answer of how to fix the massive social and political turmoil occurring within the United States, and that the solution lies within the 1999 film “Fight Club.”

“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. Like the first monkey shot into space,” stated Killicky, who has largely spoken through movie quotes since watching the film. “We’re consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don’t concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy’s name on my underwear,” he continued while simultaneously failing to grasp the irony of idolizing a character who rejects idol worship.

Despite no formal understanding of economic or political complexities, Killicky continued on to explain how America could only be fixed if everyone was ready to lose everything, and if the debt were reset to zero.

Psychologist Laura Tillua has stated that “Fight Club syndrome” is a common affliction amongst teens who have recently experienced the film and that the effects should fade away within several weeks, or by the time the teen discovers the works of any counter-culture author such as Ayn Rand or Kurt Vonnegut, whichever comes first.

At press time Ryan Killicky is said to no longer be preaching the message of Fight Club but is now insistent on pursuing a career as a stockbroker after recently watching “Wolf of Wall Street” for the first time.

When reached for comment Killicky simply smirked and stated, “Sell me this pen.”

Images via Depositphotos/20th Century Fox