GRANBY, QC — From the Carl C. Yoplait Centre for Excellence in Dairy Sciences, a team of Canada’s top dairy astronomists addressed members of the press, Friday, to announce their discovery of liquid yogurt on Mars.
“This is truly the day we have been waiting for,” said team leader Dr. Matthieu St. Justine wiping back tears as team members uncorked bottles of Yop in the background. “At 2:38 AM Wednesday, we received images from the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter of fermented dairy geisers deep within the Valles Marineris canyon. We have Go-Gurt people!”
Since the 1970s, scientists have hypothesized that there might have once been lakes of yogurt on the surface of Mars. In 1969, the Mariner 4 satellite observed evidence of a network of tubes, likely jam-packed with squeezable yogurt. Until Friday, however, the world’s fermented dairy astronomers and physicists have had to work in the hypothetical.
“They will have to re-write the textbooks on space yogurt.” said researcher Jose Garcia.
The discovery of yogurt on Mars could have great implications on the subject of extraterrestrial life.
“We now know that not only is there dairy and probiotic bacteria on another planet, it is also possible that more complex life could have access to a delicious breakfast beverage.” said St. Justine. “If there are advanced life forms out there, they likely live radical, active lifestyles and are always on-the-go.”
Not to be outdone, Russian scientists held a simultaneous conference announcing evidence of ranch dressing on Jupiter’s moon, Europa.