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Local man still unaware late night TV hosts are powerless to prevent authoritarian takeover
PORTLAND, OR – After basking in the righteousness of another blistering monologue by Stephen Colbert, local liberal Moe Shuster remained blissfully unaware that comedic barbs will do nothing to ...
Murderess insists on being called “murderer” like her male counterparts
KINGSTON, ON – After prosecutors at her trial repeatedly referred to her as ‘murderess,’ Kaitlyn Hayworth, 27, Tuesday abruptly confessed, “I’m a murderer! Murderer! Get it right!” mid-trial and...
All that stuff in the Harry Potter books wouldn’t have happened if the teachers had guns
Editorial by Larry Beaton For a month now people have been mocking President Trump, just because he had the audacity to suggest that our children would be safer in school if teachers were armed. Well ...
After once again losing at Roll Up The Rim, local man breaks down and buys Jet Ski
Peterborough, ON – Suffering yet another horrific loss at Tim Horton’s quasi-gambling game, Roll Up The Rim, Scott Heller has decided that he can’t live a day longer without a Jetski. “I think somethi...
Iditarod favourite suffers heartbreaking loss after getting flat dog on last mile
ALASKA – Champion musher Joar Leifseth Ulsom suffered his worst loss ever after leading the entire Iditarod field until the final mile, when a stray nail deflated his front-left malamute. “It’s ...
Bachelorette party holds winery hostage for 45 minutes
PICTON, ON – An inebriated stand-off lasted for almost an hour between eight heavily heeled women, and about 20 innocent patrons and staff at Red Sail Winery. “Pass the bubbly, bitches!” yelled ...
Deep down, you always knew it was going to come to this
By: Doug Ford Did you expect anything else? In your heart of hearts, in the place where your greatest hopes and darkest fears reside, in that netherworld between sleep and nightmare at which possibili...
Ontario PCs elect drug dealer to replace sex criminal
TORONTO – After this weekend’s hard-fought leadership election, the Ontario Progressive Conservative party has proudly announced that they’ve elected Doug Ford, a former drug dealer, to replace ...
Report: Average CEO also 270 times happier than average worker
OTTAWA – Measuring the effects of money on wellbeing, a report released Friday comparing employee life-quality to that of the world’s top executives says that the average CEO is now 270 times ha...
