By: The Editorial Staff of The Beaverton Dear Elon Musk: We, the Editorial Staff at The Beaverton – Canada’s Premier News Satire Website and Crayon Manufacturer – have recently learned of your offer t...
Local white man releases list of legit ethnic restaurants
TORONTO, ON – This week, local white man Chris Smith released a list of “legit” ethnic restaurants, leaving many Caucasian men scrambling to make dinner plans with their squash partners. Smith h...
Referee stabbed 23 times during brutal Ides of March Madness game
WICHITA, KS – This March 15th, a first-round game of the NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament ended prematurely, after a referee was swarmed by spectators and assassinated by repeat...
Jagmeet Singh attends Quebec sovereignty rally for “human rights”
LONGUEUIL, QC – NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh has attended a rally for Quebec sovereignty stating that he only attended for the sake “human rights.” “It’s not my place to have an opinion ...
Local woman’s overflowing junk drawer threatens to engulf entire town
Salmon Springs, BC – The Canadian Forces have been called out to mitigate the disaster that struck Salmon Springs BC after Lucy Gerhardt opened her junk drawer this morning. “I’ll get arou...
Quiz: Are you at a Swiss Chalet or an actual Swiss chalet?
Literally every single one of us has been there before, disorientated, confused and unsure whether you are in one of the 200 plus locations of a middling rotisserie chicken chain, Swiss Chalet, or in ...
The Brick celebrates first day in 25 years without sales event
EDMONTON, AB – Breaking a decades long sales event streak, The Brick has made today the first day in over 25 years in which their stores aren’t trying to entice customers with some sort of speci...
New Amazon service will deliver baseball bat directly to your union rep’s knees
PALO ALTO – After Amazon Key revolutionized home delivery by allowing strangers into your house, the retail giant has launched a new service promising to permanently change the way your union re...
Stephen Hawking only dead in this universe
CAMBRIDGE, UK – Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, considered by many to be the most intelligent man in the world, has died in this iteration of the universe, but sources from multiple other un...
Ryerson bed bug the first in its family to attend university
TORONTO – A first year bed bug at Ryerson University has bucked a long-standing trend in its family by being the first to attend university. The parasitic insect came from a long line of blue-co...
