Kingston, ON – Local dentist Todd Holmes announced his plans to spend even more money on his completely lacklustre photography hobby. “Last year I probably spent over $10,000 on gear and p...
QUIZ: Answer these 5 questions and we’ll tell you if you were popular in high school
Have you ever wondered how popular you were in high school? Answer these 5 simple questions to find out if you were just another face in the crowd or some sort of prom regent. Images via Deposit Photo...
Facebook’s new algorithm to block fake news and pictures of Kim’s stupid fucking baby
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – After continued criticisms about its role in the 2016 Election, Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg announced that his company would be implementing a new algorithm to stop the sp...
Brian Mulroney stays up all night writing daughter’s victory speech
TORONTO – With the sun rising on the day of the Ontario PC leadership vote, a haggard Brian Mulroney has completed writing his daughter’s victory speech. While the speech had already been writte...
Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row
HAMILTON – Remaining willfully blind to proper poetic structure in order to maintain a chance at winning a free coffee, Tim Hortons customers across Canada participated in Roll Up The Rim To Win...
Alexa accidentally transmits laughter from Amazon HQ to users
SEATTLE – Reports from multiple users that Alexa devices are randomly emitting laughter have been traced to a live microphone in the data harvesting centre of Amazon’s Seattle headquarters. “We ...
Recently tenured prof glad he doesn’t have to close door when he shits anymore
TORONTO – University of Toronto psychology professor Jamie Pasternak is relieved he finally has tenure and can therefore keep the door wide open when he drops deuces from now on. “As a new profe...
Women’s child-bearing hips too wide to fit in voting booth, say men
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. January 31st, 1916 WINNIPEG – Despite desperate pleas regarding hip span ...
Known creep posts ‘Happy International Women’s Day’ status on Facebook
MILTON, ON – Presenting a progressive public image, local creep Bruce Jamieson, 28, a man who has a noted history of ignoring consent and sexual misconduct, posted a Facebook status today to cel...
Proving economists at your uncle’s house right, Ontario’s minimum wage hike has completely destroyed the economy
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton....
