By 12 PM today, top earning CEOs will have eaten your lunch
OTTAWA – A new study by the Canadian Institute for Policy Alternatives says that by 12 PM today, Canada’s top earning CEOs have already eaten the lunch you’ve prepared for work. Research sh…
Ontario worker happy about finally earning a living wage to be laid off next week
PARRY SOUND, ON – Seeing her wages boosted to $14/hour, minimum-wage bakery worker Michelle Templeton was reportedly looking forward to living slightly above the poverty line before being u…
Grinch acquitted despite bodycam video showing him stealing Christmas
WHOVILLE—A federal court has found the Grinch not guilty of grand larceny and impersonating Santa Claus, after a controversial trial that featured bodycam evidence of the green monster stealing C…
The Beaverton’s book ‘Glorious and/or Free’ sweeps First Annual Beaverton Book Awards
TORONTO – The First Annual Beaverton Book Awards was handed out last night with The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. winning all 25 categories. The award…
Census data confirms households with children don’t care who started it, just apologize to your sister
OTTAWA – After analyzing the most recent Census data, Statistics Canada confirms that families with children under twelve years old aren’t in the mood to hear any of it, so just apologize t…
Stupid dumb idiot signs Tuesday morning email “Have a great weekend”
CALGARY – Demonstrating he’s a complete embarrassment to himself, a stupid, dumb idiot reportedly signed off on a work email on Tuesday morning with the tagline “Have a great weekend!” desp…
The Beaverton’s Year in Review: 2017, the Year that Sadly Was
A satirical audit of the year’s unbelievable news; top 17 explosive news stories; top 10 sports highlights; a 2017 final point/counterpoint segment.…
Bryan Adams releases remastered version of “Summer of ’69” where he giggles every time he says “69”
LOS ANGELES – In celebration of Canadian rock singer Bryan Adams’ most beloved hit, Universal Records announced today that they will be releasing a remastered “honest” ver…
Raffi sinks millions into failed BananaPhone
Victoria BC – After ten years of research and development, acclaimed singer-songwriter, Raffi Cavoukian admits that he has been unable to produce a functioning smart device known only as the ‘Ban…
Google Maps error sends local couple to howling void
HOWLING VOID – Charlaine and Zach Cooper are livid after an error in their Google Maps app caused them to drive straight into the howling void. “You hear about Google accidentally sending p…
