New security clearance policy requires Jared Kushner to hold hands with secret service agent at all times
WASHINGTON D.C. – White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has officially announced that Jared Kushner will only be granted security clearance if he promises to hold the hand of the secret service a…
2018 Budget mentioning the word ‘the’ 6,490 times shows Trudeau is pandering hard to the definite article
By Larry Hardy Canadians heard quite a bit from Finance Minister Bill Morneau’s 2018 Budget that had few surprises from a government that panders to specific groups, but none is more telling than…
Government experimenting with universal basic as fuck income program
OTTAWA – Rolling-out a series of pilot projects across the nation, the federal government announced Friday that it is examining the effects of handing out free yoga pants, Starbucks cards, …
Patrick Brown announces re-re-entry into Ontario PC leadership race
TORONTO – Following an agonizing series of many, many minutes, former Ontario PC leader Patrick Brown has announced his intention to again enter the leadership race again for the PC party again. …
Study finds you are the only person who truly appreciates the genius of Radiohead
A recent musicological study has found that the only living person who truly appreciates the band Radiohead is, in fact, you. “We’re overjoyed,” said an overjoyed Thom Yorke. &#…
Patrick Brown drops out of PC race to plan next re-entry to PC race
BARRIE – Embattled former Ontario Progressive Conservative leader Patrick Brown has suspended his campaign for party leader, in order to spend more time planning his upcoming campaign for p…
Local man unsure if Olympics just started or already over
WINNIPEG – After two weeks of competition, Pete Franklin is completely unaware if the Winter Olympic Games have just kicked off or finished days ago. “I heard that the opening and/or closing cere…
Local woman trying to break it off gently with LUSH employee
TORONTO – Despite being together for the past 3 years, civil engineer Hannah Stussman has decided to end her customer/sales ambassador relationship with Lush employee Mariam Hadaddi. “It st…
NRA loses sponsorship deal with Henderson’s Child-Sized Coffins
FAIRFAX, VA — In the wake of the Parkland, FL school shooting and subsequent public outcry, the NRA has lost several major sponsors including their latest: Henderson’s Child-Sized Coffins. …
Trudeau invests in Confederate Soldier’s uniform for next visit to White House
OTTAWA – After being photographed in a traditional sherwani on his trip to India, Justin Trudeau is committing to dressing for his surroundings by purchasing an authentic Confederate soldier’s un…
