“When we purchased Star Wars from George Lucas for $4.05 billion dollars in 2012 we neglected to include a provision for fan entitlement,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “We feel now is the time to make an offer to these very serious adults and buy back whatever false equity they insist they hold in the brand because they liked a couple of the older movies.”
Analysts have concerns that a proper valuation of the imagined holdings will be exceedingly complex.
“(Disney) will have to take into account the misplaced sense of betrayal due to characters growing and evolving without this group’s approval, as well as the significant investments in fan theories about stupid bullshit,” said one anonymous source inside the deal. “Then there’s the outrage regarding the number of new principal actors who are women, and there will definitely be a multiple because one of them was Asian, that much we know.”
Unraveling the complex web of 4chan message boards and proxy reddit accounts will only increase the difficulty of the deal.
“The internet has created a vast web of interconnection for these jackals to bitch about these movies to millions of bots and duplicate accounts,” Iger continued. “It is a truly formidable force to the extremely small percentage of people who give a shit about it. Disney is prepared to do the work so that each of these whiny children is fairly compensated, and we won’t ever have to deal with them again.”
A self-appointed leader of this ragtag band of achingly sad people had this to say, “I know that if I scream loud enough into this echo chamber that my voice will matter. And I feel that this deal will validate all my opinions and I can turn my energy toward something that has even the least bit of value to the world. Like demanding McDonald’s bring back certain dipping sauces, or making hashtags to complain about video games.”
The payment from Disney will reportedly consist of several retweets of fan theories on who Rey’s parents “really were” and a promise to “like” an undisclosed number of video essays on why Solo should have been an Obi-Wan movie.