Pile of filthy snow in mall parking lot somehow still there

MONTREAL – Local eyewitnesses have recently confirmed that despite temperatures well above 10 degrees Celsius, that giant pile of disgusting snow in the mall parking lot has somehow survived. “I’…

Progressive boyfriend is pro-choice, as long as that choice is abortion

OWEN SOUND, ON – Local activist Noah Baker spoke out, showing his progressive attitudes towards women’s reproductive rights, saying he supports his girlfriend Sarah Chen’s right to choose, …

John Bolton asks Mueller to indict Trump already so he can start a war

WASHINGTON, DC – Newly-appointed US National Security Advisor John Bolton has contacted the office of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, demanding charges be levelled against Donald Trump already so…

I’m gonna get that hand

Editorial by President Donald Trump This is an open letter to my wife, Melania Trump. You’ve left me with no other option, since I don’t know where you are in the house and I think you have me mu…

Bill Cosby to be digitally replaced by Christopher Plummer in Cosby Show reruns

HOLLYWOOD — In the wake of Bill Cosby’s conviction on three counts of sexual assault, Carsey-Werner Productions has announced that reruns of The Cosby Show will be digitally altered to repl…

Avengers: Infinity War credits to simply list Hollywood actors not in the film

LOS ANGELES – This week Marvel Studios announced that, to shorten running length, Avengers: Infinity War’s credits will just list Hollywood actors that don’t appear onscreen. As Marvel Stud…

Motives of man who clearly stated his motives unclear

TORONTO – In the aftermath of the deadly Toronto van attack that left 10 dead and 14 injured, journalists and commentators have failed to uncover a motive for the senseless actions of the p…

Inspiring! Leafs restore normalcy to Toronto by collapsing in playoffs

The Toronto Maple Leafs have restored a sense of normalcy to their city since a deadly attack earlier this week by collapsing in the third period of game seven against the Boston Bruins. “We had …

“It’s gone, it’s all gone” says Ontario auditor general staring into glass of whiskey

TORONTO – After silently going through most of a bottle of Crown Royal, Ontario auditor general Bonnie Lysyk released her pre-election report, stating that contrary to numbers released by t…

Canada rallies around its favourite city

TORONTO – In the wake of a devastating attack at Yonge & Finch that left 10 dead and many more injured, Canadians from coast to coast have come together to support the city they have al…