Summer camp proprietor really hoping these unexplained axe murders blow over - The Beaverton

Summer camp proprietor really hoping these unexplained axe murders blow over

HALIBURTON, ON With the body count of attractive teenage victims rising, local summer camp proprietor, Mel Heinman, 57, told reporters yesterday he really hopes all these unexplained axe-murders blow over soon.

“Yikes! It’s just one terrifying murder after the other,” said the long-time director of Camp White Falls, which has seen seven grisly homicides so far this summer, including six counsellors and the head cook Artie Johnson.

“I hope the creep responsible cuts it out soon, because I’m running out of staff around here!” Heinman added. “Let’s just say I’m looking forward to September.”

As for the identity of the unstoppable spree killer, little is known except that his weapon of choice is a large axe and he targets only the sexually active counsellors, or in the case of the cook, people watching the sexually active counsellors. The brutality of the murders may also suggest a revenge motive, perhaps against Camp White Pines itself.

Heinman has discounted that theory outright however, citing that there is very little in the 61-year-history of the camp that might motivate such gratuitous violence.

However, according to camp lore and local sources, 20 years ago to the day of the first murder, little Michael Rader, 10-years-old at the time – whom everyone agreed was a disturbed young child – was locked in a shed by unknown counsellors and then accidentally burned alive after a kitchen fire broke out nearby. Although the body was never recovered, Rader  was presumed dead, and authorities say the incident probably has nothing to do with the current spate of murders plaguing the camp.

In the meantime, Heinman plans on “waiting it out” until the camp season concludes on August 25th in hopes that the murderer has “simply murdered himself out.”

At press time, Heinman’s mutilated corpse was found after he remarked that he thought he might go fix the old generator at the edge of camp in the dark of night.

Images via Pixabay
Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!