Local man chooses to eat pizza crust-first like he’s some kind of ascetic monk

Kingston, ON – Displaying saint-like patience in the face of temptation, local 29 year-old Marcus Richmond consistently eats the crust of his pizza first, ignoring the topping, cheese, and …

Twelve Montreal sinkholes given heritage status

MONTREAL—City officials have announced that twelve historic Montreal sinkholes have been declared heritage sites to protect them from redevelopment. “We have an obligation to preserve and celebra…

Bear wakes up from wild night out with ear tag

LYTTON, BC – A black bear found itself with a cheeky new accessory and a hazy memory after a wild night on Friday. The bear, 5, struggled to recall an exact timeline that led to the tag bei…

TTC bus driver really wants you to know he’s having a great fucking day

TORONTO – At approximately 8:10 this morning, TTC bus driver Mick ‘Micky’ Dorland made an impromptu announcement to an overcrowded bus, letting them know that he’s “feelin’ fine”. “To be honest, …

Bergevin successfully trades Alex Galchenyuk on Bunz for a Salt Lamp

MONTREAL – Montreal Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin has successfully traded forward Alex Galchenyuk on Bunz Trading Zone. A Himalayan salt lamp is the only piece heading the other way. “I …

Disney in negotiations to purchase false sense of ownership from Star Wars fans

BURBANK, CA – After a period of protest Disney is moving to consolidate its ownership of Star Wars from a group of aggrieved not-actually-shareholders. “When we purchased Star Wars fr…

Quiz: What abuse of power got you suspended with pay?

We’ve all been there, sitting at home, collecting a full wage while doing nothing, waiting for reports about your unethical behaviour to blow over before you can return to work. But exactly…

Degrassi High’s Jimmy Brooks miraculously walking again at high school reunion

TORONTO – Degrassi High’s Class of 2007 graduate Jimmy Brooks shocked former classmates by being able to walk despite a traumatic injury that left him paralyzed from the waist down. Brooks,…

REPORT: Cards Against Humanity officially surpasses acoustic guitars as the most annoying thing you can bring to a party

VICTORIA, BC – After data collection from thousands of parties across the country, reports are coming in that the annoying person who brings an acoustic guitar to a party is now officially …

Every patron on bar patio loudly praising craft beer

TORONTO – The warm summer air was alive with the sound of admiration this weekend as every patron on a local patio praised their choice of beverage with conspicuous enthusiasm. “THIS SAISON…