VANCOUVER – A new study released from UBC Medical School has confirmed the long held suspicion that sitting for extended periods of time is just as harmful as smoking a pack a day, and added that lying down for more than 8 hours at a time is the equivalent of injecting yourself with black tar heroin.
“Basically assuming any position where you are comfortable for more than a few minutes is going to kill you,” said lead researcher Erica Strauss. “Frankly we’re shocked that there are any human beings left alive to read our results.”
“If you want to live pasty fifty, we recommend you maintain a light jog at all times.”
Injecting heroin is considered one of the most dangerous activities a human being can do, and it has been responsible for the deaths of numerous musicians, actors and writers. But the study points out that far more people have died lying down in their sleep than have ever died from heroin.
The research reveals that sitting down causes increased risk of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. While lying down causes increased risk of Mega heart disease, the bubonic plague and something called liquid brain rot.
“Unfortunately people with liquid brain rot often are not even aware of their condition, on account of the fact that their brain is rotting away into a liquid,” added Strauss.
The study also revealed that drinking a glass of red wine a day will help prevent heart attacks and strokes, but will guarantee that you get Spanish Flu.