Campfire smell lingers into third day

PETERBOROUGH, ON – The distinct smell of charcoal and woodsmoke continues to linger around an Ontario family three full days after returning from a weekend camping trip. “I didn’t mind the …

“Possible hate crime” definitely actual hate crime

KINGSTON, ON — Police are investigating an incident outside a Walmart in Kingston that they have described as a “possible hate crime” despite it definitely being a real, actual hate crime. “It wa…

ByWard Bear incident exceeds Ottawa’s annual excitement quota

OTTAWA — Following the tranquilization and removal of a bear roaming around Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood, the City of Ottawa announced that it has exceeded its excitement quota for …

Tech company unveils universal charging cable that won’t fit any device

PALO ALTO — An exciting new product was revealed today that its creator claims will change the world by bringing people together “in global frustration.” “Finally we have …

OPINION: I am part of the Resistance inside the Galactic Empire

By: Anonymous (note: The Beaverton is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior Commander on the Death Star whose identit…

Shocking new book suggests Trump bad

WASHINGTON D.C. – An explosive new book exploded onto the political scene yesterday morning by suggesting that former U.S. President Donald Trump is not good but rather, quite bad. “The aut…

Munk Debates: Steve Bannon and David Frum to debate whether hate crimes are better than war crimes

TORONTO – The Aurea Foundation has announced that former Breitbart chairman Steve Bannon and George W. Bush speechwriter David Frum will headline the Munk Debates this year, finally settlin…

Heavily indebted federal NDP cuts out orange as party colour to save money

OTTAWA – The federal NDP’s $3.1 million debt in assets is forcing the party to give up on its traditional orange colour for a much cheaper option. “It’s black and white until we’re back int…

University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication

KINGSTON – Hundreds of thousands of university and college students are returning to campuses across the province, and among them are hundreds of thousands of Buck-a-Beer cognoscenti lookin…

Fifth-grader can’t wait to talk about all the rallies she attended over summer vacation

VANCOUVER – Grace Chapman is looking forward to the start of a new school year and the chance to tell her classmates all about her summer spent rallying against the many sociopolitical issues fac…