TORONTO – Yesterday, Lindsay Crawford experienced her first full day off in two months, an event that should have involved nothing but stress-free relaxation. However, the 30-year-old spent the entire...
New Toronto dating app replaces first date with moving in together to save on rent
TORONTO – In a crowded dating-app marketplace that includes Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and OK Cupid, a new app has emerged that is marketed specifically toward Toronto singles looking to co-habitate...
Beef Industry finally develops Beyond Meat product that can feel pain
OMAHA – Food scientists working for members of the U.S. beef industry announced a breakthrough this week, successfully engineering a new strain of Beyond Meat plant protein products capable of feeling...
Quebec’s version of Don Cherry happy real Don Cherry fired
QUEBEC – A Quebec man clearly inspired by former Hockey Night in Canada host Don Cherry says he is glad the abrasive sports pundit who inspired him has been removed from his job. The Premier-lik...
Straight woman outraged that lesbian friend does not have a crush on her
HAMILTON, ONT. – Local woman, Jessica Milton, who identifies as straight, was left shocked and bewildered upon learning that her lesbian friend, Taylor Kennedy, does not, in fact, have a crush on her....
Sudoku player goes on wild ride after placing two 7s in the same column
TOFINO, BC – A local Sudoku player is recovering from a white-knuckle brush with the edge after a simple mistake sent him on a terrifying backtracking adventure to salvage almost 14 minutes wort...
Don Cherry passes Fox News job interview
NEW YORK – Former host of Coach’s Corner has successfully passed his Fox News commentator/reporter interview with flying colours after a televised discussion with Tucker Carlson. “We’re very imp...
New ISIS Leader torn between striped tie and paisley tie for first day
Syria – Earlier this morning newly appointed ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi was at a loss for which tie to wear on his first day, reportedly standing in front of the mirror for n...
Designated driver drunk on power
Phelpston, ON – After an hour at Gabe Newton’s 23rd Birthday Bash designated driver Mark Lougheed, drunk on power, has decreed that he is ready to leave and has decided that all those he brought...
Alberta legislation permits health care workers to religiously sacrifice patients
EDMONTON – Alberta’s UCP government has hastily passed legislation to permit health care workers the right to make human sacrifices to appease their respective deities. The Conscience Righ...
