Heroic senior citizen keeps CRA scammer on the line for hours
VICTORIA – An 87-year-old woman is being praised for holding up her alleged phone scammer for more than three hours in a conversation preventing the suspect from making future calls defraud…
Having to watch Leafs play now considered cruel and unusual punishment
TORONTO – In a unanimous decision The Court Of Appeal For Ontario has declared that no individual ought to be forced to watch the 2019-2020 Leafs play, on account of the overwhelming levels…
Woman announces rebrand of crippling depression naps to sad time siestas
HAMILTON, ON – In an effort to escape the exhaustive emotional weight and mental strain of her current life Emilia Ruthen is taking charge like a #bossbabe and rebranding her 2-17 hour depression…
Last green leaf patiently awaits death
VANCOUVER – After weeks of watching all of its brethren slowly expire around it, the last green leaf still alive in the province of B.C. is stoically preparing for its own imminent death. “…
Senate costs rise by a third, productivity stays steady at zero
OTTAWA — After it was revealed that Trudeau’s reforms to the Senate had increased the budget by one third, the government has assured Canadians that the increase in no way made the bo…
Roger Stone concerned he has not yet been rescued from jailhouse by escape zeppelin
WASHINGTON D.C. — Trump political operative Roger Stone, after having been found guilty on seven counts, is reportedly quite anxious that his previously-arranged escape zeppelin has yet to …
Local woman spends day off terrified she’s forgetting something
TORONTO – Yesterday, Lindsay Crawford experienced her first full day off in two months, an event that should have involved nothing but stress-free relaxation. However, the 30-year-old spent the e…
New Toronto dating app replaces first date with moving in together to save on rent
TORONTO – In a crowded dating-app marketplace that includes Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and OK Cupid, a new app has emerged that is marketed specifically toward Toronto singles looking to co-hab…
Beef Industry finally develops Beyond Meat product that can feel pain
OMAHA – Food scientists working for members of the U.S. beef industry announced a breakthrough this week, successfully engineering a new strain of Beyond Meat plant protein products capable of fe…
