Elizabeth May on resignation: ‘I just want to eat meat again’

OTTAWA – Elizabeth May announced yesterday that she will be stepping down as Green Party leader effective immediately so she can finally sink her teeth into a rare t-bone steak. May, who ha…

“You’ll see! One day I’ll be the biggest dancer on Broadway!” sobs Sean Spicer to disapproving dad

EAST BAY, RI — Following his surprisingly successful performances on ABC’s Dancing with the stars, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s blossoming career in show business collided wit…

“See how easy that was?” says May to Scheer after quitting

OTTAWA – Shortly after resigning as leader of the Green Party this morning Elizabeth May called current Conservative leader Andrew Scheer to tell him it wasn’t all that hard. “You don’t hav…

QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?

The passing of early dawn to high noon followed by brief dusk lasts but a mere second in November. The world is cloaked in miserable grey nothingness day after day, only to be broken up by endles…

Advisors confident Scheer’s personal charm and charisma will allow him to survive leadership review

OTTAWA – In the wake of disappointing election results many political insiders believe Andrew Scheer is on his way out as leader of the Conservative Party. But advisors to Scheer claim thes…

OC Transpo bus brought out of retirement ‘getting too old for this shit’

OTTAWA – Remarking with a heavy sigh, an aging OC Transpo bus that was called up from an impending retirement due to the LRT’s failings is “getting too old for this shit.” For 27 years, the…

Dental hygienist slides into patient’s DMs to ask if he’s flossing

CORNER BROOK, NL – Local resident Irving O’Grady received a direct message from his dental hygienist on Instagram late yesterday evening asking to verify if he was maintaining a twice…

Alberta to be represented in Liberal cabinet by empty cowboy hat

OTTAWA – With no MPs from either Alberta or Saskatchewan, sources indicate that Western Canada will be represented in the Trudeau cabinet by an empty Calgary White Hat. The 10-gallon hat, f…

Kidnappers arrested for taking the girl out of the country, but not the country out of the girl

TORONTO – Yesterday afternoon, David Watts and Reggie Gormley were arrested and jailed after abducting 25-year-old Kaylyn Wilkins from her farm the night before and bringing her into the city. Th…

Study: Lining up to exit subway car on wrong side most embarrassing thing a Torontonian can do

TORONTO – A conclusive study by the University of Toronto has found that trying to exit the subway via doors that are not on the same side as the platform is just about the most humiliating…