CALGARY – The international community now has a name for the coronavirus that’s killed over a thousand people and sickened tens of thousands more, Covid-19, and a local man with the same name as the virus is not happy about it.
“How are people supposed to know that news reports about the virus aren’t about me?” complained Covid-19, a 33-year-old accountant who lives in south Calgary. “The next time someone Googles my name, the number one search result will be ‘Covid-19 death toll rises’ or ‘Covid-19 causes major recession.’”
“I’ve never killed anyone. And yes, I have caused one minor recession, but that was years ago.”
The name Covid-19 (the virus, not the person) is a combination of the words ‘corona,’ ‘virus,’ ‘disease’ and the year it emerged. The name Covid-19 (the person, not the virus) is a combination of his parents’ first names, Cora and David, and a random number to make him seem like a robot or clone because Cora and David are huge sci-fi fans.
“It took me decades to come to terms with my unusual name, and now I have to change it just because thousands of lives have been destroyed?” Covid-19 (the person, not the virus) said. “How is that fair? I wouldn’t say I’m the greatest victim of this virus, seeing as how it’s killed a large number of people, but I’m definitely one of its greatest victims. Top three thousand, at least.”
At press time, Covid-19 (the person, not the virus) had officially changed his name, creating what he hopes will be a new, less sensational moniker for himself out of his parents’ last names, Charles and Manson.