Brand new TTC vehicle pre-emptively self-combusts to save everyone some time - The Beaverton

Brand new TTC vehicle pre-emptively self-combusts to save everyone some time

TORONTO – After hearing stories about the chaos caused by Toronto Transit vehicles meeting their ends in fires, crashes, and nonstop signal problems, a new bus scheduled to begin service in Toronto today made the decision to pre-emptively break down in order to save angry riders time and frustration.

“One minute I was admiring its new paint job and thinking about all the elderly people I was going to pretend not to see waiting for the bus that day,” exclaimed bus driver Tom Kramer. “And the next, the scrolling text on the front of the vehicle read ‘LET’S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH’ and the whole thing just exploded. Pretty selfless, if you ask me.”

Regular TTC user Christine Holland admitted that she appreciated the bus’s gesture, explaining that it had really helped her plan her afternoon.

“If it hadn’t happened in the lot, it would have happened sometime soon,” she said, after trying and failing to tap her on a broken machine for the third time that day. “And chances are it would have been during rush hour and inconvenienced hundreds of people. So, instead, we all took the subway, which caught on fire and made us disembark, and then a streetcar, which short-turned. It was still faster than the bus would have been.”

TTC CEO Rick Leary announced at a press conference this evening that the bus had truly done all of Toronto a favour.

“We’re actually thinking of purchasing more of these self-immolating vehicles,” he explained, nodding solemnly. “Sure, it’ll leave the city with even fewer methods of transportation, but at least we know the buses that do leave the lot won’t break down for at least a week or two. Or during a light rain. Or if there are more than ten people waiting at the stop. I think this is going to be a real money-saver.”

At press time, TTC ticket inspectors had eagerly started seven fist fights.