WATERLOO, ON – CEO and HBIC of Sqork Media, Cheryl Hawkins recently laid off thousands of employees in a broader attempt to cut down costs.
In a statement to the press, Hawkins said, “Though we are saddened to lose many of the Sqork Squad, we know that they will understand that it is a necessary step towards re-focusing the company towards our valued customers and executives.”
Hawkins reportedly “absolutely went off” by expressing deep sympathies for all former employees in a company-wide email. She also informed them that her emotional plate was at capacity and hoped that they would take the necessary measures to find someone to reach out to in this difficult time.
While the media conglomerate had been rapidly losing money since going public, Hawkins allegedly “slayed” a meeting in which board members were offered million-dollar buyouts.
With more than a quarter of the staff dismissed, many “kweens” were left to wonder where their next paycheck would come from.
“I have to admit that I’m quite shocked and frightened about what the future may hold,” winced terminated account manager Shirin Khan. “But I want what every feminist wants, another #BossBabe in the Fortune 500. That’s why I honour and respect Cheryl’s journey and herstory.”
At press time, an outside company began an audit to determine claims of the media conglomerate “shero” embezzling millions into off-shore accounts.