TORONTO – After taking the weekend to mull it over, Ontario’s teachers have decided not to accept the provincial government’s latest offer, where salaries would be drastically cut and Ford would get to punch one teacher in the face each and every day, including weekends.
“We thought our offer was more than fair,” said Minister of Education Stephen Lecce. “If the teacher’s union really respected the taxpayer, they’d let Premier Ford punch 3 teachers a day, but we’re only asking for 1.”
“We’re never going to be able to balance the budget unless our bloated civil service gets in line and accepts their punishments from Daddy,” he added.
The offer stated that every day teachers from a designated school would line up and prepare for the selection. Ford would then get to pace back and forth, choosing his prey based on whatever criteria he wishes. Once selected the designated punchey would have two minutes to prepare themselves, remove any glasses and make an appointment with their dentist before being struck.
“We might have taken them up on it if we could guarantee only the biggest and strongest would be hit,” said union rep Percy Bryan. “But just from the look in his [Ford’s] eye I could tell he was going straight for Mrs. McClanahan. I mean she’s 71 for Christ’s sake!”
Alongside the ‘mandatory face punch’ the offer included a 10% reduction in salary, drastic cuts to special education programs and the elimination of all math and science departments in order to “show those nerds who’s boss.”
Although disappointed the Ford gov does have a back-up offer ready, where Ford gets to spit in a teacher’s coffee once a week and also all the teachers have to call him ‘big poppa’ every time they see him.