Elon Musk investing $800 million to fight own skeleton
Hawthorne, CA – Billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk announced on Twitter today that he is beginning a new company that aims to give him the ability to remove his own skeleton so he can fight…
Beloved aunt missing after mozza sticks lead to one-way ticket to Flavour Town
CALGARY – A manhunt is underway after the disappearance of Linda Brown, 46, who was last seen boarding a one-way flight to Flavour Town after indulging in a plate of wonderfully ooey gooey …
Local man wearing baseball cap in February like winter some kind of fucking game
CALGARY—Reports have confirmed that local dickhead, Tyler Brin, has been walking around, outside, in February in a piddling little baseball cap, as though cold weather is a funny little goddamn j…
Amazon abandons plans for NYC HQ after no one home to accept delivery
NEW YORK – New Yorkers were left stunned and disappointed as Amazon cancelled its plans for a new headquarters in Queens when no one was home to accept delivery. “The UPS driver tried three…
National emergency declares national emergency
WASHINGTON – In a move many legal experts are calling unprecedented, chronic national emergency Donald Trump is declaring a separate, second national emergency to get funding for his border…
Harrowing: Woman trapped in store change room for three days attempting to remove ambitiously small dress
HAMILTON – In an ordeal that spanned three terrifying days, 30-year-old Tricia Whitehead found herself trapped in a women’s change room at HotStuffs Clothing Emporium after trying to remove…
Netflix’s Bird Box sequel promises more birds, bigger box
HOLLYWOOD – After impressive viewing statistics, Netflix has announced a sequel to the Sandra Bullock film Bird Box, which promises “a lot more birds” and a “way bigger box.” “We assumed vi…
Very important to Winnipeg man that you know it is currently colder in Winnipeg
WINNIPEG – Multiple sources are reporting that it is extremely vital to the health and wellbeing of a Winnipeg resident that everyone is made aware of the fact that the weather is actually …
Unrealistic casino commercial features people having fun
Niagara Falls, ON – The regulatory organization Advertising Standards Canada has determined that a recent commercial for the Royal Niagara Casino is misleading due to the fact that it depic…
Maxime Bernier emerges as this season’s shady bitch who loves drama
OTTAWA – In response to an official tweet from Global Affairs Canada praising Canada’s first ever contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race, People’s Party leader Maxime Bernier posted a message com…
