Local woman deletes Tinder for the last time for the fifth time this year
TORONTO – Yesterday, Mandy Timmins triumphantly announced to her family, friends, and coworkers that she had just removed the Tinder app from her phone for what she promised will be “the last tim…
Insurance broker scandal leaves nation wondering if Andrew Scheer really even likes milk
When will the lies end?…
Update: Scheer kept US citizenship secret for fear of being persecuted as a white American man
REGINA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer said that he kept his US citizenship a secret until now for fear of being persecuted as a white heterosexual male from the United States. “I didn’…
Doug Ford still trying to finish Andrew Scheer’s diversionary scavenger hunt
TIMISKAMING DISTRICT, ON – Deep in the Ontario wilderness, Premier Doug Ford believes he’s nearly found all the items to complete Conservative leader Andrew Scheer’s elaborate game to keep …
Report: Most millennials wait until after the third date to be emotionally vulnerable
WINDSOR – A recent report has found that, on average, single Millennials will wait until at least the third date before deciding to be emotionally vulnerable with their partner. Take, for e…
“The trick is confidence” says man who has never contributed anything useful to society
OTTAWA — Despite failing to contribute anything useful to society, Tom Phillips, 32, has said to anyone listening, that the secret to all success in life is merely “confidence”. “You gotta walk i…
Alien civilization blocks humanity after receiving unsolicited nudes
DEEP SPACE – Immediately regretting opening the strange message attached to an oblong metallic object marked “PIONEER” found floating in space, a distant alien civilization blocked all of h…
$140 NHL app comes with all the regional blackouts fans never knew they wanted
TORONTO – With a new season of NHL underway, media conglomerate Rogers Communications and the League have reminded everyone to purchase an app that will showcase exciting regional blackouts…
“I’ll add it to the list!” promises man who has already forgotten what movie you’re talking about
VANCOUVER – John Sullivan, the man you are currently chatting with at a mutual friend’s party, has already completely forgotten the awesome movie you recommended he watch, despite the fact that h…
Intellectual instantly creates opinion from headline
THE INTERNET – Not letting irrelevant distractions like nuanced reporting or context interfere, a local free thinker on Twitter was able to demonstrate superior intellectual ability today b…
