Scheer: If you wanted to know my real views on homosexuality, you should’ve made me Prime Minister

OTTAWA – After being asked by a reporter if he views homosexuality as a sin, Conservative leader Andrew Scheer made it clear that the only way Canadians are going to find out his true belie…

Local woman maniacally reporting firmness of each grape

EDMONTON – Medical professionals at Royal Alexandra Hospital are unsure how to diagnose patient Sara Rostami, a young woman who is unable to consume grapes unless she is reporting back on t…

B.C. exits from Wexit with BCexitwexit

VICTORIA – The province of B.C. would like prairie separatists to please desist from calling their sovereignty movement Wexit (Western Canada Exit) and are hoping to drive this point home i…

Police concerned as Jane Fonda recidivism climbs by 300%

WASHINGTON, DC—Police have reportedly expressed quiet concern following a disturbing statistic showing actress and activist Jane Fonda’s re-offence rate has nearly quadrupled at an alarming speed…

PC police critic cries after being called ‘boomer’

TORONTO – A 63-year-old culture critic of political correctness broke down in tears after being called a ‘boomer.’ Bill Klassen, a retired car dealership manager was giving a lecture on how…

Meet Tilda Swinton’s sister, Close Bracket Swinton

DUNS, SCOTLAND – After years of living in her sister’s shadow, Tilda Swinton’s younger sister, Close Bracket Swinton, is ready to take the acting world by storm by producing, directing and …

Pizza Pizza phases out pizza for 100% crusts

TORONTO – Pizza Pizza Ltd has announced that it will no longer be serving traditional pizzas, instead opting for what it is known best known for: crusts. “Instead of the traditional 75% dou…

Premier says only Quebecers entitled to service in English are descendants of Irish Orphans from that Heritage Minute

QUEBEC CITY – Francois Legault has declared that, moving forward, the only people in Quebec who will be able to obtain government services in English will be ones who can prove they are a d…

I saw 20 minutes of Iron Man 2 and I’ve thrown up every day since – By Martin Scorsese

Much has been made of my comments regarding Marvel movies and what I believe should be their place in cinematic history, so I’d like to clarify for the record: I have not stopped vomiting since t…

Local man convinces self he’s having good time at back of concert

TORONTO – A local man standing alone at the back of a rap concert at the Rebel Entertainment Complex assures himself that he is having a good time, maybe even better than those at the front. “Hon…