VANCOUVER – Walter Cline, a man who knowingly cheats on his taxes every single year and drives drunk several times a month, thinks it’s just disgusting that some people have broken the law during protests to support the Wet’suwet’en stand against a natural gas pipeline.
“If people don’t follow the rules, we aren’t safe in our own streets,” Cline recently posted on Facebook while driving past one of the protests on his way home from a bar. “We are a nation of laws, and I can’t stand to see so many people blatantly disregard them,” Cline insisted, narrowly missing a pedestrian in his zeal to find the scales of justice emoji to conclude his post while continuing to honk furiously at the protesters he’d passed over five minutes earlier.
Cline, who has defrauded the government of tens of thousands of dollars in tax revenue by intentionally lying on his tax forms for the last two decades, strongly believes that the protesters blocking streets, bridges and railways should be arrested with maximum force and face every possible charge law enforcement can level at them.
“Theeze people don’t undershtand pershonable reshponshibility and what they owe to shociety,” Cline slurred as he finally arrived home after miraculously not crashing his obnoxiously large, carbon intensive SUV which he would not have been able to afford if he consistently paid the government all of the taxes he owes. “We can’t let theeze people think therez no conshequences to… uh… what they done.”
“STHROW THE BOOK AT THEM! THEY HAVE NO RESHPRECT!” Cline screamed into the air, waking several of his neighbours before his embarrassed wife appeared to lead him safely inside.
At press time, Cline was graphically threatening the lives of several people who disagreed with him online.