WASHINGTON D.C. — In the tradition of OJ Simpson’s tell-all book “If I Did It,” Donald Trump recently announced he will release a memoir detailing his impeachment process titled, “If I Did Those 240 things.”
After finding himself impeached by the democrat-led House of Representatives, but acquitted by the Republican-led Senate, Trump announced the book this week during a two hour long impromptu call-in interview with Fox and Friends.
A representative from Trump’s publisher clarified. “We want to be clear that the situations in the book are hypothetical,” stated publisher Daniel Beacon. “Much like O.J. maintained his innocence but allowed himself to muse on the possibility of what it would look like if a former running back had murdered two people on a Los Angeles night, so too is Trump musing on what it would look like if he actually was the most corrupt, criminal president in the history of the United States.”
The book starts with a bang, with an opening chapter, titled, “I would never collude with the Russians, but if I did, I’d use Facebook and then blame that nerd Zuckerberg.” He goes on to explain that there are a million reasons to withhold military aid from Ukraine, clarifying that even if he did do it for corrupt reasons, he “also just doesn’t like Ukraine.”
Other chapters include, “Subpoenaed documents: can’t find ‘em if you don’t look for ‘em,” “Sexual assault ain’t assault if you feel comfortable enough to brag about it,” and “Quid pro so what?”
Asked whether publishing the book immediately following his impeachment hearings might negatively affect his approval ratings, Trump representative Charles Garley was confident it would not. “I mean, if he hasn’t been impeached for those 240 things yet, the system is broken and we’re seeing a nightmare vision of a future where the oligarchy openly admits that democracy is a lie. Which is actually the title of Trump’s next book.”
Following the announcement of Trump’s “If I Did It” book, sources report that Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff has spent the last several days repeatedly punching holes into his office wall.
At press time, Trump was at an impeachment hearing while playing a mobile phone version of Bejeweled while occasionally looking up and shouting “Fake law!” while his wife Melania tapped out morse code spelling the words, “Help me.”