OTTAWA – As an olive branch from the Trudeau government to the Indigenous groups showing solidarity with the Wet’suwet’en hereditary chiefs by blocking some of Canada’s busiest railways, Indigenous Services Minister Marc Miller has offered to buy them a round after all of them are arrested.
“In return for what we believe is a very generous offer of beer and my camaraderie, we do expect all of the barricades to immediately come down. I don’t think any of us will be able to enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage while the protests continue,” Minister Miller said. “It’s about restoring normalcy and respecting the rule of law.”
“Obviously, it’s only specific laws against blocking infrastructure we’re talking about respecting. Canadian Human Rights Tribunal orders requiring that we provide compensation for discriminating against First Nation children on reserves are totally different, we don’t have to respect those. Those we can fight tooth and nail.”
In light of the recent protests, the Trudeau government has shifted its goals when it comes to its relationship with Canada’s Indigenous peoples from “truth and reconciliation” to “whatever’s most convenient for the economy and maybe we pick up the tab for one round of non-craft beer after we’ve allowed police to use the continuing threat of violent enforcement action to smash all dissent.”
“There is no more important relationship to me than the one with Indigenous peoples,” Prime Minister Trudeau stated today. “Except, of course, for the relationships the government has with private industry, which obviously take precedence. But my relationship with Indigenous peoples is way up there. Top hundred, at least.“
At press time, Trudeau reiterated how deeply concerned he was about the protests and anger rippling throughout Canada this week, just not concerned enough to come back from his overseas trip.