Niagara, ON – Today 29-year-old Marcia Fitzgibbons discovered a novel approach to celebrating Valentine’s Day while single: completely icing out every last man on this godforsaken earth, and in hell beneath it.
“We all love the fancy dinners, the chocolate, the pithy card he bought in a panic from Shoppers 10 minutes before meeting up with you,” Fitzgibbons says. “But you know what’s better than a hot date? Being left the fuck alone for a few hours.”
Fitzgibbons has spent the day successfully ignoring men of all stripes. She uses an integrated wearable defence system consisting of noise cancelling headphones, a hoodie with the hood up, and that totally chic dark grey liquid lipstick that her sister once told her made her look “unapproachable.”
“If none of that works,” Fitzgibbons added, “they get the murder stare. Works like a charm.”
The results are undeniably impressive. Not once has she been interrupted by that guy in payroll who “has big ideas for a startup.” The barista who routinely tells her to “use that beautiful smile more” fearfully served her the best coffee of her life. And most impressively, Fitzgibbons claims she’s experienced a first for all womankind: an Uber ride where the driver didn’t try to hit on her even once.
But is there loneliness in solitude, especially on the most romantic day of the year?
“Oh HELL no,” Fitzgibbons responded. “I love being single. You know what I did today instead of listening to an unprompted 45-minute rant about how Joker deserved every Oscar? I finally started writing my novel. And instead of agonizing over how to politely tell my latest hookup he doesn’t wash his dick properly, I blasted through 14 mandarin classes on Duolingo. I reckon one day of ignoring men’s bullshit will save me so much money on future therapy that I’ll finally be able to afford that tour of China I’ve been dying to do. Honestly, I wish every day was Valentine’s Day.”
Fitzgibbons’s most recent exes were unavailable for comment, as they were all either in prison for corporate racketeering, pursuing a career as a “vagabond DJ,” or spending the holiday with their secret families in Miami.