WINDSOR, ON – Local 4th grader Tommy Watson has come to realize that, despite his previous boasting, his father James is the weakest dad in town and would stand little chance in confrontation with anyone else’s dad.
“I guess I should’ve clued in when he went to tie his shoelace and popped his knee,” the 10-year-old Watson admitted. “I mean, I knew he wasn’t going to beat Devon’s dad anytime soon, but I was hoping he could at least take Sean’s dad with his skiing injury”
Surprisingly, the 34-year-old James is fully aware of his ineffectualness as a brawler, and has long anticipated the day he would be exposed. “I guess every boy finds out eventually that his dad isn’t Superman. Or Clark Kent. Or even Perry White, Kent’s elderly editor,” said James, struggling to open a jar of mayonnaise. “I guess I’ll have to try to teach him that real men solve their problems with words, not violence. Not that he’ll take my word for it.”
“Nor should he, frankly.”
This recent realization has led to adjustments for both father and son. James has started booking fights against area great-grandfathers until he’s earned enough credit to get back on the circuit, while Tommy has now begun bragging that his dad knows more about WWII than any of his peer’s fathers.
Fortunately things may be turning around for Watson, as his stepfather Steve has already won a lifetime ban from any of his basketball games. Watson is expected to begin using Steve as his primary male influence while regulating James to secondary paternal duties like “keeping a roof over his head” and “limited emotional support”.
At press time, James remains confident that Tommy could easily defeat any of his co-workers’ children in a fight.