Every grocery store, Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a car a...
Libertarian friend apparently doesn’t believe in regulating speaking volume either
OTTAWA – Matt Martin, a self-proclaimed ‘classic libertarian of the Adam Smith school’, does not favour intrusive regulation of the economy or daily life, and apparently believes tha...
Report: It never right temperature outside
LONDON, ON – In an explosively damning report published by the University of Western Ontario, researchers found that the temperature outside “never right.” Though the report was expected to delv...
Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again
CLEVELAND, OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19, Cleveland Browns’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team experien...
Toronto Catholic schools to reopen so kids will be with God sooner
TORONTO – The Toronto Catholic School Board has announced that schools will reopen with regular class sizes in the hopes that students will get sick and join God sooner. “The government isn’t go...
To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mothers
TORONTO – In an effort to make the play in tournament and playoffs feel as realistic as possible despite the lack of fans in the stands the NHL has begun playing audio clips of fans drunkenly in...
Ellen comes out as mean
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a long period of open rumours, clear public hints and confirmed direct accounts, popular daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has officially come out as mean. The ann...
Tooth Fairy e-transfers kid in quarantine 25 cents
PICKERING – The Tooth Fairy, unable to be physically present to exchange baby teeth for loose change due to COVID protocols, has instead sent an e-transfer of 25 cents to Billy McIntosh, age 6. ...
94% of Social Distance Hang spent talking about whether everyone is far enough apart
Belleville, ON – A group of friends enjoying a social distance hang in one of their backyards spent nearly all of their time talking about whether they were all at least 6 feet apart. “Obv...
New border rules require Americans to hold breath from BC to Alaska
VANCOUVER – The BC government announced new regulations that will require all American travellers going to and from Alaska to hold their breath for the duration of their trip through the provinc...
