“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board
To our devoted readers, hello, bonjour. We, at the Beaverton, can’t decide what’s worse: being inundated daily by negative news or instagram live notifications. Trust us – we are just as ti…
Conservative Party submits Doug Ford for tests, fearing he may have contracted socialism
Toronto, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has been submitted for extensive testing today after Conservative Party Executives expressed that he was beginning to exhibit symptoms of socialism. …
I know Tiger King was messed up, but I’m going to be the right sort of tiger owner
By: Dave Croft I think the documentary Tiger King, by focusing on people like Doc Antle, Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin, has skewed the public’s perception of tiger owners. Most of us are har…
Local woman claims daily routine of panic, anguish, and despair really helps to centre her
EDMONTON – Recently laid-off Natalie Ramires has been evangelizing about the benefits of a fixed daily schedule built upon panic, anguish and despair during self-isolation. “I live alone, …
Trudeau airs a coronavirus update rerun, to see if anyone notices
OTTAWA – After several weeks of daily broadcast addresses on the government’s coronavirus response, Prime Minister Trudeau today decided to re-air a previous clip to see if Canadians would …
“Thank god for service workers” says man who will oppose minimum wage hike in 9 months
Oshawa, ON – Local man Keith Spahr is adding his voice to the millions of Canadians currently expressing gratitude at the people who are allowing us to buy groceries and other essential ite…
Celebrity reassures other celebrities that it’s okay to be totally fine right now
LOS ANGELES – In a group chat with a long list of like-minded famous acquaintances, multi-platinum recording artist John Legend assured his fellow celebrities that they could not be faulted…
Hypebeasts disappointed to discover Supreme gas not a petroleum collab
TORONTO – Hypebeasts around the world found themselves disappointed after the new revelation that Supreme gas is not actually a petroleum collab as they had thought all this time. It was co…
Nation’s hamsters shockingly indifferent to global pandemic
OTTAWA – In a surprising display that no one could have predicted, pet hamsters across Canada have shown an incredible lack of interest in the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite Prime Minister Just…
Zoom divorce proceeding concludes with somber finger guns
VANCOUVER – After a series of emotionally devastating negotiations, John and Claire Timmons ended their divorce proceeding via Zoom with a pair of cheerless, gloomy finger guns. “Zoom was p…
