Thompson's Discount Anal Beads still putting finishing touches on #BlackLivesMatter statement - The Beaverton
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Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads still putting finishing touches on #BlackLivesMatter statement

TOPEKA, KS – Following the lead of other major corporate brands like Walmart, JP Morgan Chase, and the NFL, executives at the head office of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have been hard at work for weeks on a statement representing the company’s commitment to the cause.

“We here at Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads feel it is vital that our customer base understands where we stand on this critically important social issue,” explained CEO Trevor Thompson Jr. “Clearly the most important civil rights movement of our day needs the support of us, the third largest anal toy manufacturer in the midwest.”

Thompson continued, gazing up at a portrait of his father and the company’s founder, Trevor Magnus Thompson Sr. “Ever since my dear departed father entered the erotic paraphernalia business, our family has believed that structural racism and inequality have no place in civilized society. Unlike small silicone beads connected by string, which bind us together, sometimes literally.”

“Furthermore, we reaffirm our commitment to making sure that Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads fit inside in ALL rectums, regardless of skin color,” added Thompson Jr. wistfully.

With demonstrations continuing throughout America and across the world to protest police violence, the corporate brass of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have felt increasing pressure to make a statement. “We absolutely have to get this right,” explained Thompson as he marked up yet another draft copy of a document, this one rejected for “not meeting the gravitas of the moment, or the Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads name.”

Thompson has spent the past 3 weeks holed up in a corporate board room with his company’s CFO, head of the board of directors, members of the in-house Public Relations department, as well as several highly-paid sensitivity consultants. On the white board several ideas had been scrawled, including one idea which read “Discount Anal Beads = Save Money = Defund The Police???”

“What about including a graphic of the T-85 model, but each of the beads is a different color skin tone,” suggested Amanda Meirs, of head of PR for Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads. The idea was quickly rejected for being “insufficient to meet the national moment”.

Thompson Jr. emphasized the need to be delicate in this proposed document. “We don’t want to come off as insincere, like Wertz’ Assless Chaps did last week.” All gathered in the room looked away at the mere mention of the widely-publicized Wertz fiasco, widely believed to have belittled the BLM movement with a full-page New York Times ad that was described as “even more tasteless than it was assless.”

“But this isn’t about sales,” Thompson Jr. added, before pausing. “This is about letting the brave men and women of this important civil rights cause know that Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads is right behind them all the way.”

At press time, #BLM chapters across the nation have begun receiving shipments of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads.