NORTH AMERICA – In an attempt to show the public that they are in support of the Black Lives Matter movement, executives from companies across North America are promising to listen real hard with no intention of changing anything.
“We’re excited to open our ears and listen to every word that is coming out of people’s mouths,” said Hal Fitzmunster, Vice President of Nike. “We’re going to blatantly ignore it all and post something vague and insensitive on our social media pages, but we want to hear and know who is saying what so we can fire them once this all dies down!”
“Just as long we fly under the radar and no one compares us to Ben and Jerry’s, we’ll be good.”
Companies like Twitter, WarnerMedia, and Starbucks have been hosting online forums where customers and employees can express their concerns regarding the equity of Black people in their businesses. Issues such as representation, donating to black organizations, and paying BIPOC a living wage have been discussed at length. Executives have stated that they are intently listening especially to tone, diction, and pronunciation of the words being said.
“We hear you and we see you… but that’s about it,” said Starbucks executive Samson Moenybahgs in an address to their employees. “Also please be nicer when talking about wage inequality… when you expose the exploitative capitalist system and get mad at us for not being able to pay rent it really hurts our feelings.”
Those expressing their opinions at these town halls are encouraged to do vocal exercises and tongue twisters beforehand. Companies also suggest that they stand with their knees slightly bent and shoulders back when delivering their messages for optimum vocal clarity. Executives have been provided with Bose noise-cancelling headphones so that they are able to hear and “sit in discomfort” in their extremely large and echoing homes.
“I talked about how I experience racism in the workplace on a daily basis.” said Nordstrom employee Tonya Gurrera. “All they did was comment on how impressed they were when I articulated how systemic racism goes hand in hand with capitalism. That’s a part of the problem! I have a Masters degree in Political Science!”
While no changes suggested by the public have been announced, companies have rolled out implanting hidden microphones on their employees in order to take listening and learning to the next level.