PARIS – Leading Beckett scholars have revealed that, before they were published or put on stage, every one of Samuel Beckett’s plays would conclude with Beckett writing “GET IT?????” in big lett...
Netflix adds Canada filter to American shows by removing scenes where characters wear shoes inside the house
TORONTO – Netflix Canada has announced a bold plan to make American movies and tv shows feel more familiar to Canadian audiences by editing out any scene where characters inexplicably wear their...
Local teacher’s health lesson plan just letting class go home
VAUGHN, ON – With schools resuming classes despite the ongoing pandemic, high school teacher Erin Jorna has decided the most logical plan she can have for health class is to dismiss her students...
MEC reassures customers they’ll still charge $800 per sleeping bag
VANCOUVER – Leadership at the Mountain Equipment Co-op have reassured members that, despite being sold to a US investment firm, they will still charge $800 for a sleeping bag you’ll never use ag...
J.K. Rowling’s new book imagines a fantasy world where she is right about trans people
EDINBURGH, UK – Author J.K. Rowling, who has previously dreamt up a world of wizards and magic in the Harry Potter series, has stretched the bounds of imagination in order to conjure up a new fa...
Tories counter basic income with basic billions for CEOs
OTTAWA – Responding to speculation that the Liberal government will propose universal basic income in the upcoming Speech from the Throne, the Conservative Party is countering with its current p...
Local Becky levels-up, achieves final Karen form
THORNHILL, ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath, a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form: that of a gru...
Local father relies on tattoo to remind himself of children’s names
CALGARY, AB – Local resident, George Bronson, recently got a large chest tattoo to commemorate his beautiful children, which will also serve as a daily reminder of whatever-the-hell their names ...
Person you would never trust with a gun also a pro-gun advocate
OTTAWA – The person you would never trust owning and operating a gun is now calling for a complete end to restrictions on assault weapons. Using social media, the guy you knew from high school h...
Epidemiologists expect second wave of fuckwittery to be worse than the first
VANCOUVER – Epidemiologists at BCCDC are warning the public that the second wave of fuckwittery will be worse than the first. “We’re expecting many more cases of reckless dumbassery throughout t...
