Monopoly banned during quarantine to prevent homicide increase

OTTAWA – In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, the government of Canada has introduced legislation to ban the nation-wide use of Hasbro’s Monopoly in order to prevent any further uptick in…

Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail

CANADA — As the COVID-19 situation finds many Canadians working from home for the first time, the overwhelming majority report discovering that their entire job description could normally b…

Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing

TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic, the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer g…

Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick

WILMINGTON, DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden’s limited presence in the public eye, a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constitue…

Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders

MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious…

Canadian government scolds citizens for not fully embracing its half-measures

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has made it clear he is very disappointed in members of the Canadian public for not electing to do everything they can to stop the spread of COVID-19,…

Nation’s tenants vow to cough on rent cheques

OTTAWA – With vast numbers of Canadians suddenly out of a job and no sign of relief from most landlords, the nation’s tenants have collectively vowed that if they must still pay rent, that …

Virus enters man without consent

RIKERS ISLAND, NY – Jailed rapist Harvey Weinstein has claimed that the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19 has penetrated his body without his consent. Tests have confirmed the presence…

Group hanging out in park presumably celebrating the blood on their hands

VANCOUVER – A group of friends chatting, drinking and generally having a grand ol’ time in the park this past weekend were presumably celebrating the fact that they are now responsible for …

Social butterflies soothed by nonstop robocall scams

VANCOUVER – As an increasing number of people are under quarantine or self-isolating to help stop the spread of COVID-19, the stress of long periods of solitude is for many extroverts only …