Dogs cleared by WHO to resume eating single piece of spaghetti until they kiss
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After months of uncertainty about their susceptibility to COVID-19, the World Health Organization announced that dogs could resume eating a single piece of spaghetti u…
Breaking: All the news happening all at once
EARTH – According to reports from every single human being’s television, social media and worried mothers, all the news is currently happening right now. “I took a 10 minute shower and when…
Despite suspended NHL season, Leafs somehow still eliminated from playoffs
TORONTO — With the NHL announcing it will suspend the 2019/20 season due to concerns over the coronavirus pandemic, the League has also announced that the Toronto Maple Leafs have somehow s…
Public health authorities deploy emotionally absent fathers to teach social distancing
WINNIPEG – Health authorities in Canada have deployed hundreds of emotionally absent fathers to teach the public about their techniques in social distancing to help prevent the spread of CO…
Spring tip: salt your garden to prevent from freezing!
It’s never too early to put on a stylish straw hat and get your hands dirty with some backyard gardening! But how can you protect your plants from the cold icy grip of frost? Salt! That’s right, …
CDC urges Americans to stay safe by doing opposite of everything Trump says
ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s ins…
Notorious hot air balloon thief’s getaway foiled by gentle breeze
LETHBRIDGE, AB – The infamous ‘Basket Bandit,’ scourge of the dirigible community, was finally caught today when his attempt to abscond with a large rainbow balloon was thwarted by a gentle…
Study: Attending Ottawa Senators game best way to isolate self from coronavirus
OTTAWA – For those looking to quarantine themselves from the coronavirus, health officials are recommending attending any Ottawa Senators home game to escape crowds or any human contact. “O…
Man spends entire movie thinking about how badly he needs to pee
REGINA – After consuming a large Diet Coke during the commercials, trivia game and previews local man Desmond Mathune spent the entirety of his two hour movie watching experience thinking a…
