Bank CEO reassures worried Canadians: “I’m going to be okay”

TORONTO – As the economic impact of the COVID-19 crisis devastates Canadian household finances, Royal Bank President and CEO David McKay reassured the nation: “I want you all to know in this diff…

2020’s hottest workout trend: listless pacing

The world may have stopped in the face of COVID-19, but your fitness journey doesn’t have to! 2020’s hottest health trend is here, and it’s called listless pacing. Wait, WTF is LP? Think pacing, …

NRA: Guns don’t kill people, schools being open kill people

FAIRFAX, VA – In light of the fact that this March marked the first month without a school shooting in the U.S. since 2002, the National Rifle Association released a statement claiming “Gun…

Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been

Brandon, MB – Sofie, your friend with two children under the age of 5, clearly spent most of last night’s zoom call thinking of ways to murder you as you talked about how calm and uneventuf…

Economists hate her! This woman makes $500 a week with one simple tool!

$$$ Social assistance EXPOSED! $$$ Recently laid-off woman reveals shocking secret trick your employer doesn’t want you to know! Top-secret government hack UNCOVERED: $8000 in cash for struggling…

Trump ensures America’s stimulus checks will bounce by writing his name on them

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen, Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $290 billion by having his name appear on the new round of stimulus checks to …

Health Canada asks Canadians to at least brush their teeth, for God’s sake

OTTAWA – Amid the current worldwide shutdown leading to the majority of Canadian citizens practicing self-isolation in their homes, Health Canada has urged people to at the very least consider br…

Quarantined couple attempt to spice up relationship by putting pants on

TORONTO – Monica Gonzales and Tom Meyer, a couple living in downtown Toronto, had been self-isolating together for over a month when they felt their relationship growing stale. The couple, …

Local woman lowers ‘Live Laugh Love’ poster to half-mast

RIVERVIEW, NB  – As COVID-19 projections predict mandated self isolation to remain in effect for several more months, local resident Helen De Angelo has lowered her Live Laugh Love poster t…

Local prisoner practices social distancing by escaping

Bath, ON – In an effort to prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus, prison inmate Geoff Rogers has taken necessary measures to distance himself from others by escaping from the Millhaven I…