DETROIT/WINDSOR BORDER – As NHL teams have made the journey to the league’s two bubble cities of Edmonton and Toronto, many Americans attempting to escape the pandemic have taken to disguising themselves as hockey players in order to fool guards at the still closed border.
“I had one guy who weighed about 325 and had a thick southern accent tell me he played for the Maple Leaves,” said border agent Dalton McEwan. “I said ‘do you mean Maple Leafs’ and he paused for like 30 seconds before going ‘Yes.’”
“So naturally I let him right in and asked him to say hi to Auston Matthews for me! Just kidding. I told him no and wished him well in his pandemic riddled mess of a country.”
Other Americans have put in more of an effort by wearing special ‘mullet wigs’, growing out their facial hair and even yanking out teeth to simulate the look of a standard NHL player. But they still haven’t met much success.
“It’s a bit awkward when ladies try it. Then not only do I have to reject them I have to detail the institutional sexism about why the Women’s Professional Hockey League was disbanded,” said McEwan.
“I was sure I had him. I called him bud, talked about dangles and complimented his flow. I don’t know how he saw through me,” said Tyler Finch of Marlyand.
The move comes after previous Americans’ attempts failed, including disguising themselves as frontline workers and claiming they would only be popping in to pick up some softwood lumber and then coming right back out.