HALIFAX – After decades of being the only province in Canada without several attractions, amenities, and chain stores, the COVID-19 virus has emerged as the first thing Nova Scotians are actually happy to be the only province without.
“It’s bittersweet. I mean, we’ve always been pretty burned to not have an NHL team, or even a CFL team,” announced Nova Scotian premier Stephen McNeil. “Heck, even New Brunswick has a St. Hubert’s. Frankly, being jealous of things every other province has is a long-standing Nova Scotian pass time.”
McNeil continued, “But for once, thanks to our elimination of COVID-19, being the only ‘have-not province’ turns out to be not too shabby!”
With the Maritime province now reporting 12 days without a new case of COVID-19, as well as no active cases, Nova Scotians are still reporting mixed feelings about the undeniably-positive virus news. John Leo LeBlanc, of Sydney, explained, “I mean, most times that Nova Scotia is the only province without something I’d be all ‘dangit, when are we gonna get an Ikea’ or ‘how come Toronto gets to have Taylor Swift come and play, again?’”.
McMaster continued, “But now instead of salty, I’m feeling pretty good. Well, a mixture of salty and good. Confused, I guess you’d say?”
Some Nova Scotians expressed similar surprise at the new non-envious sensation. “I nearly caught myself trying to drive to Quebec, just to get some COVID, just out of habit,” explained Martin Burke, of Annapolis.
Burke added, “Then I thought I’d celebrate our low COVID numbers by going out to eat at the Cheesecake Factory, and I remembered we don’t have one, and I got angry all over again.”
Meanwhile, other Nova Scotians have greeted the virus-free news with optimism. “I’ll miss being upset that Nova Scotia doesn’t have things, but imagine what else we might be the first province without,” explained Preston-area lawyer Ashley Wright. “Maybe we could be the first province that doesn’t have miserably cold winters, if global warming keeps going.”
At press time, Premier McNeil responded to New Brunswick’s low COVID-19 rates with a warning to “stop stealing our thing”.