NEW BRUNSWICK – Local woman, and self-identified yogi, Marsha Fellows, has reported that home yoga is just not the same when there isn’t a fellow patron’s butt in her face.
“It just feels different,” said Marsha, mid-tree pose, from her mat in the middle of her living room. “At home, I have too much space and I have no way of knowing if I’m doing it correctly! It’s like, are you even doing downward dog if you’re not hit with the subtle scent of swamp ass from the person in front of you?”
According to Fellows, she tried having her cat stand in front of her, so she could stare down the barrel of his butt, however, it was reportedly “not the same”. In a Facebook post, Fellows also cites missing the moment she bumps hands with others when she vinyasas into Warrior Two pose, as well as identifying the religion of the man beside her, every time he goes into Happy Baby.
“It’s like, I can’t even set a Drishti properly without a shitty horoscope tattoo on the back of someone’s neck to focus in on!”
In a statement released by the Canadian Yoga Alliance (CYA), the organization recommends at-home-yogis keep the experience of a yoga class alive by surrounding themselves with sweaty socks or other soiled undergarments. Furthermore, for those who miss the camaraderie of a group class, the CYA will FaceTime in with a representative to do yoga alongside you, guaranteeing to do the most and make you feel like shit for doing a modified Chaturanga.
However, despite her best efforts, Fellows is unsure she’ll keep up with her practice while in quarantine. “I even tried farting into a pillow and dressing it in Winners tights, but it’s just not the same.”
At press time, Fellows reported that lifting weights at home isn’t the same without that guy across the gym sensually grunting every time he bench presses.