TORONTO – After his tweet about mistakenly using dog shampoo for several months went viral, Canadian journalist Jonathan Kay has been hard at work explaining how exactly “the cancel culture Twitterati” deceived him into using canine healthcare products.
“This is exactly what the holier-than-thou woke mob does,” explained Kay in a lengthy Quillette editorial. “When they’re not de-platforming hard working journalists for something as trivial as endorsing Indigenous appropriation, they’re sneaking into your bathroom in the middle of the night and replacing your very ordinary Aveda Men’s Shampoo with an insidiously subtle bottle of Arm & Hammer Dog Shampoo.”
“And not only is it dog shampoo, but it barely has any pictures of dogs on the bottle so you can figure that out,” Kay continued. “So much for the tolerant left!”
After insisting that cancel culture had “completely misrepresented my harmless editorials about how Canadian neo-nazis don’t exist”, Kay was quick to elaborate about how “the far-leftist ideologue army conspired with the people at Arm & Hammer to put the word ‘PET’ in really small font on the bottle.” He then accused cancel culture of making his initial tweet go viral, “just like they always do”.
Asked to clarify whether he believes cancel culture to be a movement or a specific individual, Kay responded, “Oh, you’d have to ask Cancel Culture what its pronouns are – not me.”
As Kay’s dog shampoo tweet gained traction in the United States and abroad, with concerned responses from celebrities like Seth Rogen, he doubled down on his cancel culture accusations. By the end of the day Kay had also accused cancel culture of being responsible for: him stubbing his toe on a piece of sidewalk; the bag of Skittles he purchased containing no green ones; and for tricking his mother Barbara Kay into writing a monthly column for “that creepy Epoch Times pretend newspaper”.
“The leftists cancel culture SJWs are everywhere, waiting to trick you into getting them wet and feeding them after midnight,” Kay added, possibly confusing cancel culture with the film Gremlins.
At press time, Kay has retained legal counsel to force cancel culture to apologize and also acknowledge that his coat is both sleek and free of fleas and ticks.