Outbreaks at bars, parties tarnish otherwise impeccable reputation of drunk people
KELOWNA, BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars, large parties, and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguis…
Trump introduces “choose your own adventure” pandemic protocol
Washington D.C. – As the number of COVID cases skyrockets in the United States, Trump and his administration have officially instituted a “choose your own adventure” protocol to tackling th…
Andrew Scheer gives Liberals insider tips on how to get rid of a party leader who won’t fucking leave
OTTAWA – Andrew Scheer, who announced he was stepping down from his position as Conservative leader seven months ago, has called on the Liberals to remove Justin Trudeau as their leader and…
True Patriot! Man types Pornhub.ca into browser
WINNIPEG, MB – In a stunning display of patriotism, Winnipeg resident and proud Canadian Kyle Henderson has shuttered the blinds, locked the door, and typed ‘pornhub.ca’ into his incognito …
Toronto Police warn protesters against vandalizing symbols of white supremacy, citing difficulty of removing paint from uniforms
TORONTO — Following the arrest of three Black Lives Matter – Toronto protesters over the act of dousing racist monuments in bright pink paint, Toronto Police are threatening considerable le…
Homeland Security assures Americans they’re grabbing Portland protesters off street for cool frat hazing
PORTLAND, OR – After reports of unidentified federal agents pulling protesters off the street and into unmarked vans, the US Department of Homeland Security has assured citizens the snatchi…
Alberta government sets up border checkpoints to screen for fleeing doctors
EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney has announced border checkpoints to screen for any physicians trying to leave the province. Police and provincial officials have set up roadblocks at every b…
Canada bans Blue Jays due to COVID, sucking
TORONTO – The federal government has announced that the Toronto Blue Jays will not be able to play home games in Toronto this year due to the COVID pandemic, and the fact that the team was …
Police say that anti-Nazi graffiti “hits close to home”
OAKVILLE, ON – After a monument commemorating soldiers who fought in Hitler’s SS was vandalized with spray paint recently, Halton Regional Police have declared that “this hate crime hits es…
