OTTAWA – With news that he used taxpayer money to employ multiple family members former Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer has finally passed Canada’s first PM, John A. Macdonald, as the best grifter in the history of the House of Commons.
“When I first got to Ottawa they said no one would be able to overcome Sir John A’s legendary system of patronage and slush funds,” said a jubilant Scheer as he stood next to his sister/employee. “But just like when doctors told me an adult human can’t survive off milk alone, I proved them wrong.”
“I’d like to thank my constituents, my kids, the school my kids go to that the Conservative Party kindly paid for, and everyone who has ever dreamed big.”
Although Scheer never pulled off the “one big con” like Macdonald did with his railroad scheme, his constant attempts to do multiple, low level schemes like hiding his American citizenship or lying about his experience as an insurance broker put him over the top in the eyes of officials.
“It really is remarkable that in his short time in Parliament he somehow got taxpayers paying his family’s salary and Conservative Party donors funding their entire lifestyle, from clothes to flights. If Prime Minister Macdonald were alive today, I think he’d be impressed,” said Parliamentary historian Albert Finnegan.
Now that he is no longer Speaker of the House or Opposition Leader many insiders expect that Scheer’s best griftin’ days are behind him. But the MP for Regina strongly disagrees.
“Are you kidding? Now that no one is paying attention to me I can do anything I want! Solid gold fish bowl for my constituency office? Platinum rims on my House of Commons desk? Maybe an official MP visit to Tahiti? The sky is the limit baby!”
The grifting award committee did wish to clarify that Scheer is only the most successful schemer in the history of the House of Commons. If the Senate is included he’s not even in the top 5.