The Beaverton

God orders recall of several million white men

HEAVEN – Citing easily damaged feelings, an ego that improperly inflates, and a tendency to dangerously explode for no reason, the All-Supreme Being has ordered a massive recall of white me…


Dad not too keen on sushi

OAKVILLE—Witnesses are reporting that despite being open to it if others feel strongly about it, Dad is not incredibly keen on going to the nearby sushi restaurant favored by his family. “It’s ju…


Non-magic school bus drives into volcano

Ol Doinyo Lengai, Tanzania – Disaster struck Monday morning as a tragically normal school bus and its occupants drove into an active volcano, causing the deaths of one teacher and nine ethn…