Report: Outbreak of idiocy spreading 10,000 times faster than coronavirus
TORONTO – Public health officials in Toronto have confirmed its first 50,000 cases of being a misinformed fuckwit as xenophobic conspiracy theories and tales of false cures continue to spre…
Senate enters swimsuit competition portion of Trump impeachment trial
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the legal submissions of both the Democrats and Republicans as to whether President Trump should be removed from office, the impeachment trial is now set to move on to…
Nation’s serial killers offended by how sexualized they are in film and television
LONDON, ON – Recently, several of the nation’s most prolific serial killers have come forward to protest the way they are over-sexualized in the media. “It seems people would rather d…
“There’s no money in the arts,” scoffs man who just paid $1,000 for Hamilton tickets
TORONTO – Jon Hudson, a financial district lawyer, was overheard yesterday at a restaurant commenting on how the arts weren’t a worthwhile pursuit because they weren’t profitable. He quickly foll…
Andrew Scheer’s dry January fails after slamming gallon of 2%
OTTAWA – A nearly successful dry January ended in disaster, and extreme gastrointestinal discomfort, this past weekend when opposition leader Andrew Scheer decimated a gallon of 2% milk in …
Here’s some sensational, unconfirmed stories about coronavirus because we really need the website traffic
Competing with the Sun chain of newspapers can be hard, so here are some unconfirmed, sensationalized, and flat-out wrong stories that we’ve either heard or fabricated ourselves. We know you’ve d…
Man worried about coronavirus still hasn’t gotten flu shot
TORONTO – Seth Radcliffe, who has not had a flu vaccine in the last five years, wants to know exactly what the governments of the world and the UN are doing to protect him from the new coro…
Boyfriend sentenced to daily skincare routine
RICHMOND HILL, ON – A decision rendered by a small claims court has ordered Bryan Ramos to begin implementing a daily skincare routine at the behest of his girlfriend, Vanessa Adeyemi. “Alt…
Anti-abortion protesters backed by world’s biggest baby
WASHINGTON D.C. – Anti-abortion protesters were overjoyed at the March for Life rally to receive vocal support from the world’s biggest baby. In his 295th trimester, the loud, 6’2” infant r…
Climate change speeding up just to get this over with
GENEVA – An alarming report released by the World Meteorological Organization has revealed that climate change is speeding up to just get this all over with. “Human activity got the ball ro…
