VANCOUVER – Hospital interior designer Shannon Kimble was struck by inspiration today and announced she’s strongly considering going with an off-white theme for patient room A03. “It just hit me...
Ford introduces “stay at home unless you’re sick and can’t get rid of your shift” order
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is expected to announce a province-wide stay-at-home order today, which will require everyone to remain at home unless they’re sick but cannot find anyone wil...
Ford doesn’t understand why eligible Ontarians not registering to get vaccines he insists haven’t been delivered
TORONTO – Faced with questions as to why Ontario is not vaccinating more people, Premier Doug Ford insisted that hundreds of thousands of eligible residents have, for some reason, not signed up ...
Local 12th-grader excited to spend gap year backpacking around house
QUINTE WEST, ON — Local 17-year-old Hunter Ryan is finalizing plans for his long-anticipated one-year backpacking tour of his parents’ house. “It’s gonna be an awesome chance to spread my wings,...
RETRO ATTACK! Jordan Peterson is back after someone mistakenly fed him after midnight
Everything old is new! Author, professor, and father figure for adult men who still wet the bed and then refuse to shower afterwards because “urine is sterile”, Jordan Peterson is back in the public e...
Local woman faces Sophie’s Choice between having secure mental health and having an orgasm
TORONTO – In a world where the only thing louder than the shrieking climax of pharmaceutical capitalism is the suffocating endemic of mental illness, one woman has to make the decision of a life...
Doug Ford clarifies Yorkdale Mall still open for essential Versace, BVLGARI, and Fendi supplies
TORONTO – With a video of packed crowds at Toronto’s Yorkdale Mall going viral, just 3 days after Doug Ford announced a province-wide shutdown, today the Premier clarified that the high-end mall...
Out of work actor lands promising role in medical study
VANCOUVER – Things are finally looking up for local Vancouver actor Timothy Brooks. After thirteen months without booking a gig in theatre, film, or television, the 28-year-old has landed a pro...
Health-conscious man only eats the Cadbury Creme Egg whites
VANCOUVER – Vowing to get back on track after weeks of dubious eating, 26-year-old UX designer Landon Renault reaffirmed his commitment to leading a healthier lifestyle by only consuming the whi...
April Jason Kenney refuses to give in to the radical agenda of February Jason Kenney
EDMONTON – In a press conference on Alberta’s latest COVID spike, Premier Jason Kenney vowed that the province would not enter another lockdown no matter how often extremists like the Jason Kenney fro...
